I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
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