I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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