I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
