Whatcha textin bout Willis?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
