The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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