evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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