I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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