I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
BRING THE BAGELS
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
