I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
