the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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