Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
