Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
