Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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