Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
