Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
