Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
