Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
soo... how was my night?
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