Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
