I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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