Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
