My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
