I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We're too hungover to prance.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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