You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
