all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
