WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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