Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
