At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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