She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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