i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
