I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
