it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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