so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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