I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
