so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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