Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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