I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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