I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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