Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
