I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
