You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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