How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
