Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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