WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
