For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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