please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
