A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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