so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
