I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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