by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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