Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
