I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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